I'd be lying...
Mar. 30th, 2010 06:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lanatil...If I said this post wasn't self indulging my need to constantly head-desk and scream WTF when dealing with my mother. Another post to feel free to skip as it's total catharsis. Well, also I would like to have something documented with first hand evidence of what I deal with.
This post also needs a major preface/warning/disclaimer: Under no circumstances am I making fun of, dismissing, or intentionally meaning to offend anyone, from anywhere and their beliefs. Which is what this mess under the cut boils down to with my mother. She's extremely blindsided and ironclad in her beliefs to the point it demands a certain level of respect. I do respect it. I just wish I wasn't related to it so I could carry on with my own existence. In peace.
Also, this was wonderful to deal with during the self-denial-mental-breakdown I had last week, let me tell you. There's nothing like family looking down on you to make you feel better.
Now with anything of this caliber, background information is required.
My mother was raised Episcopalian-Lutheran. I know, don't ask, I have no idea how that happened either. Funny story being, when my father met my mother, she wasn't that religious. She was the typical "Seasonal Christian" i.e. Christmas and Easter were checked off on her attendance record. The stories my dad tells me (wistfully) of her when they met are awesome. She was a party girl, loved to have fun and hang out with people and go to bars/clubs. What happened? Me.
I won't claim to understand what chemistry changes women go through when with the experience of childbirth, but oh my god, some of her wires must have gotten crossed during her carrying of me. I have memories of when I was really young, (really, really, young, like 3-4) of being picked up late at night from my grandparent's house by my parents who had been out to a party or equivalent. I remember getting placed in between them in the front seat as we drove home and my mom being a little more than tipsy/drunk. So, there's evidence from my own experience she liked to party and my dad's stories aren't embellished memories of a time lost.
One of those times I remember being very upset about being woken up and dragged to the car to go home. For a little kid, being pulled out of deep sleep, tucked away in the dark of a car with a person drunkenly LOOMING over you, demanding in slurred questions what was wrong, is about as real as nightmares get. So I started to cry. I was crying because I wanted to be asleep and get away from the scary experience. Apparently, this got through the drunken blanket my mom was wrapped in because after that night she made a vow to never drink again. She hasn't. Ever. She swore off alcohol and would throw outright tantrums to anyone questioning it and trying to offer her a drink. I can clearly claim that was the moment I lost my "mother" and gained an overbearing stranger. She was intolerable after this. At five years old a child should not be contemplating the philosophy of parenting and wondering why their mother was batshit insane.
Fast forward twenty years through so many over the top moments of hers that I could fill five livejournals (but will spare you beloved reader), to where she's at now. It's like two completely different people. Something has happened along her life's journey to totally fuck her mind up. She's nothing like she used to be. She's had a steady timeline of becoming more paranoid about people and becoming religious. From my point of view there are two major events that seem to be linchpins for this.
1) She actually miscarried twins before I was born. Leading to my actual birth and her getting super, over protective of me all my life.
2) Her father. In general, really, but most importantly when he was diagnosed with cancer. He, a very formidable man who was in charge of his house in every sense of the word, was humbled by the news. He was human, could die etc. He immediately grabbed a Bible and became super-strict religious overnight it seemed. It's hard to believe I have memories of going over to visit and watching my mom get into arguments with him over reading scripture out loud. Today, she would be yelling at anyone talking to shut-up and listen. It was the Lord's word and we should be respectful to it.
I can picture it so clearly: he would be sitting on the sun room's couch, small leather bound Bible in his hands just reading it. When he wanted us to hear it, we were required to stop everything we were doing and Listen. She would get tired of it and argue with him to stop. This caused countless fights between the two of them. They both had really bad tempers.
Sadly, the day he died, they had been fighting over something mundane. I can't remember what exactly because I wasn't there at the time but in school. The point is, she left with the words laying on her tongue: "I hate you, Dad." as she slammed her car door and drove away. That afternoon, while he and my grandmother were out shopping, he suffered a heart attack and died at hospital. According to my grandmother, the moments after my mom had driven away in anger, my grandfather looked to her and said: "When she calls later to say she got home, ok, tell her I love her." then went to work in his garage as if no fighting had happened. But, they went shopping instead, and so my mom never got the message.
I was little at the time, still in elementary school, so I wasn't that effected by him dying. I actually barely knew him. A few weeks after he passed we were over at their house. Emotions were still running high, as expected with these things, and my mom was bringing in groceries for my grandmother who hadn't left the house in a week practically. According to my mom, she had a literal "Coming to God moment." She said she as pulling a bag out of the backseat when she heard a noise loud enough to cause her to startle and turn. What she saw was apparently her father being held like a baby in Jesus's arms very vividly and clearly on the front steps of the porch. She went into detail about the vision at the time, about how she heard someone tell her "He was fine and safe and loved now" and I don't doubt this experience for her because it was real enough to leave a mark on her.
From this point in her timeline, there is no turning back on becoming unbearably religious. She picked up her own bible, read it addicted determination, and invited our church's pastor over to the house for personal Bible study. Yeah, Dad wasn't too happy with that last bit. Pastor Ron is an entirely other livejournal to fill on his own, but I never liked him and it had nothing to do with my father being territorial. It was that sixth sense people get about others. Anyway, moving on.
I was trying to time jump twenty years there and got caught up in more explaining! Where can you find my mom today? Guaranteed she's at the house excessively taking care of her now nine cats and living in her own carefully built world. Outside the 2 1/2 acres of land we own, the world doesn't exist for her. Well, that sounds extreme, she goes shopping and eating like normal people, but somehow the rules are different. She believes the world to run the way she has laid the laws out. If anyone, regardless of authority, disagrees with this she has something to say (usually quoting scripture as backup) about it.
She has no tolerance for anyone or anything that challenges her view. She will not listen to another's idea about something, but tell them why they are wrong and she's right. Also, she is a big time hypocrite about things. In high school, because I was a brat, I would get her caught in logic loops for fun. (Circular Reasoning Works Because circular reasoning works because Circular Reason Works Because...)
Which, finally, brings us to the entire reason I started this post. I know. I'm sorry. But feel better in the knowledge that you didn't have to live with her and that I've extremely highlighted what's gotten us to this point. I'm only human, and so are you, and we can only take so much.
My mom has discovered Facebook. Her high school reunion organizer utilized it to get everyone to go. I have my FB page very well secured against people I don't want seeing it. Or so I thought. Apparently, you can have everything on your profile page blocked from searches except for basic info, no biggy, and the Pages you've joined. No biggy either..that is, unless your Jesus Warrior of a mother sees the one page about supporting Gay Rights to Marriage. Oops.
I get a call from my dad last week about normal stuff we babble to each other about. Then, he uncomfortably asks what "that page on your facebook thing, is about" because apparently my mom saw it and is freaking out. My dad, please understand, does not exactly Hate Gays, he doesn't agree with the life style. In a gruff manner. He let's them be as long as they aren't coming after him, lol. He has his path, and as long as no one else messes with it, peace can be had. (God help you if you piss him off though) He's had a typical Southern life, combined with the Navy training, and a career in civil engineering dealing with the lower class kind of people, all sweet and kind in their own ways, but a harsh life to live none-the-less. He's seen it all.
He says she wrote me an email about it a day ago. The email turns out to be a response to my birthday message more than a month ago (also, she used the wrong one. She replied to the email I sent my dad, and not the one I sent to her. I may have loled a bit at this. Oh, did I mention she uses his email? She refuses to get her own, but totally took over his account). Here starts the documenting of what happened:
==
date Tue, Mar 23, 2010 at 10:40 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
Hey Bee! Thanks for the Birthday mail (I know...a little late...:O !!!) I also have a question...What's the deal with the fifth page on your Facebook???
Love ya,
Moo xo
==
After trial and error of trying to figure out what the fifth page of my facebook means, and my dad unhelpfully muttering something about "gays" I figured out what she saw. I was really confused, and panicked, because I thought she had somehow gotten into my FB. No. It was those damn Pages. I joined a group called "1,000,000 Strong for Gay Marriage!!" in which I believe in and it showed up for her to see.
So, after having a heartfelt convo with my dad, him telling me he could care less what those people did or I did (relatively as parents only can), I had orders to email her back.
See, I really could care less what she has to say. It's going to be the same stuff over and over. If she hadn't been causing my dad grief I would have ignored her completely and let her stew in her safety-bubble fantasy of a life at home and let me be blissfully not stressed the fuck out over her, her... her unpossibleness,
But.
My father is basically a hostage against me. I didn't want to take the chance she would know he "warned me" about her newest crusade so I replied:
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 5:57 PM
subject Re: Berfday.
Lol, just a bit yeah?
Fifth page? What does that mean? The pages aren't numbered.
~Bee
==
I've had to play the manipulation game all my life with her. It's warped my psychie to constantly want to be tested like this...I dunno. I'm human and fucked up too. ;]
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 9:56 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
Hey Bee! I was referring to fifth listing on your personal pages section in Facebook. It broke my heart to see it there. I need to know why it is there relating to you (your Facebook ). I just hope it is some sort of mistake.
Love you,
Moo :)<3
==
She's also found the emoticon buttons in gmail. God help me.
She "needs to know why" something is on "my facebook" is just a hint at this mess. I am totally fine with people questioning me about things, but wording it with a need, just rankles me. This has nothing to do with me personally, understand. She's drawing an issue because She is upset from it. It has to be a "mistake" because Her daughter wouldn't have a differing opinion to hers. It also annoyed me that she still wouldn't just SAY the topic she wants to know about.
We're both playing the manipulation game here. We're also both stubborn. The good news here is: I am patient and level headed, She is short tempored and doesn't think clearly.
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 10:05 PM
subject Re: Berfday.
I'm assuming you're looking at the Pro Same-sex marriage page because that's the only thing I can see you would object to. It's not a mistake. I believe in it. If people are happy together, then that is their choice and not someone else's. Gay people are not evil. They're human and deserve the same love and respect as the next person. I have many gay friends and I will always stand by them and not be swayed from that stance. I'm open minded and respect everyone's point of views, including religion and cultures, in life.
Not to mention, gay guys are usually the best looking ;) and I am still very much interested in hot, gorgeous men.
~Bee
==
I added that last line more for my dad than anything. It's absolutely true, but he wanted me to reassure my mom I'm not into chicks so she wouldn't start causing a shit storm about that too.
Women are just as gorgeous, mind, but letting my mom know at this point I wouldn't have a problem being with the same gender, would not be condusive to this conversation. Adding more oil to the fire as it were.
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 11:14 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
That IS what I'm objecting to. I'm terribly sorry/sad to hear you believe in this. Gay people are God's children just as we are. You should love the person, just as you do. Just as God does. You are to hate the sin (it is an abomination to God) just as God does. God created Marriage to be between one man and one women. It is a Holy Estate to be a blessing for man and woman - NOT - an abhorrent, sinful, abomination between people of the same sex. What God wants, has established-Satan does not want, wants to destroy because he hates our Lord. Gay people may not see this as sin/wrong because it is what they truly enjoy - it is an Earthly pleasure just as excessive drinking, drugs, fornication and other "foul play" are which are (plain and simple) SIN. It is not God's way. He is patient with us because He loves us. He knows and gives man a time to turn from their sin. Love the Lord with all you are - in your heart, in your mind in the way you live. Love your friends who are gay, who may be drunks or druggies, promiscuous, etc. -BUT- don't fall into the traps they're in- instead pray for them, pray for God to pull them out of those pits into which, through evil desires which they may deny as evil, have fallen and to bring them into his precious HOLY LIGHT and to help them live according to HIS will which is true happiness, fulfillment and peace. Pray this by first thanking Him and praising Him and then ending in His Son's precious name, JESUS - who died for all of us and will love all of us ALWAYS and FOREVER. You know what's right in your heart, don't let this "stain" of the devil be attached to you in Facebook or any other way. Shine and Sparkle!!with the Lord's bright light!!! Don't let Satan tarnish your life. Be God's beacon! Not Satan's dying ember. God loves you and me!! You know how you were raised, Honor God with your life. He will give great Happiness and Joy! I love you, and God loves you more than I can. :) [sun][lightbulb]<3
Love,
Moo xoxoxoxo
==
Let me highlight: "Gay people may not see this as sin/wrong because it is what they truly enjoy - it is an Earthly pleasure just as excessive drinking, drugs, fornication and other "foul play" are which are (plain and simple) SIN."
I noticed how she's completely ignoring relationships in this. She is condensing "being Gay" into "having sex all the time" and they are not the same thing.
Also: "Love your friends who are gay, who may be drunks or druggies, promiscuous, etc. -BUT- don't fall into the traps they're in- instead pray for them, pray for God to pull them out of those pits into which, through evil desires which they may deny as evil, have fallen and to bring them into his precious HOLY LIGHT and to help them live according to HIS will which is true happiness, fulfillment and peace."
Sounds like a strong message of "we're too incompetant to think for ourselves, so let someone else do it for us. Ignorance is true bliss" yatta, yatta. So love the people, but not the gay. Hmm, kinda hard when being gay is just a part of a person as their leg, arm, blood, hair, etc...
Funny Story: I was in the middle of tanking a raid in WoW while this clusterfuck of mom drama was occuring. I got to the "HOLY LIGHT" part and couldn't stop laughing. Why? I'm a Paladin tank.
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 11:28 PM
subject Re: Berfday.
I respect all that. I also respectfully disagree. There is nothing wrong with being gay. That's my opinion, and it's not changing. Gay people are not gay by choice, they're born that way. It's Nature not Nurture. That's who they are and there's no changing it. Anyone who says they "decided" to be gay are still struggling with the social pressure and hatred people send their way.
Anyone should be able to love, as in emotion not carnal, whom they want. Gay people just don't exist to have sex. They love and care for a person who just happens to be the same sex. There's nothing wrong with it.
I'm also sorry if you're upset about this, but you're you, I'm me and we'll probably always disagree on this.
~Bri
==
Ok, so perhaps I was channeling Tony Stark a bit there in the beginning. Doesn't make it less true.
I wanted to point, bluntly to her, that gay people are human, they love people for people and it's not just a physical attraction. It drives me insane people look at a gay person and automatically assume they're going to jump the closest same gender partner and have crazy wild monkey sex.
I realize now I use the word "opinion" on her a lot. This argument is, at its base, two beliefs butting heads. I believe gay people are normal. She believes in religion's opinion they're doomed to hell for being evil. There's no grey area for her. It's Yes or No.
It's also a small thing, but to me it seemed important at the time: Up to this point I had been signing the emails with the cute, family name "Bee" but she wasn't stopping, and I didn't want to be taken to look like a kid in this debate. So I signed it with my name and not a nickname. I'm being serious about this issue, not rebelling against a parent. Small victory only to me perhaps, but hey...in this you gotta take 'em where you can get them.
==
date Thu, Mar 25, 2010 at 12:55 AM
subject RE: Berfday.
God (the One, True, Living God - there is NO Other. The One, True, Living God- Father, Son and Holy Spirit- The Triune God - all other "gods" are false and the lie of Satan. False gods are dreamed up by puny man listening to the lies of the devil to feed their self-serving, pleasure loving sinful needs. They are attaching themselves, devoting themselves knowingly or unknowingly to a mighty, evil spirit being(the Bible shows us) who has great power but- has already been destroyed. Satan knows he's been destroyed, he knows his fate. He knows he's going to be thrown into the Lake Of Fire but will never stop trying to destroy God's children with his deceit, lies, hatred. The Bible tells us that "man cannot serve two masters..." Serve The Lord by rejecting, condeming false religions do not see them as acceptable for ANYONE. You are not loving people by accepting their false religions, you are unknowingly perhaps, helping them walk down the wrong path. Any path that leads away from our Precious Saviour Who gave all for us, is the Wrong, Sinful path. The Bible tells us "the light cannot live with the dark" Live in the light! Stay in the light! With God's help and strength call those in the dark to the light,
God has made plenty of room there!!!and He (waits with open arms, perfect love!) calls us to live Holy lives. He loved us enough to give us free will. He calls homosexuality "an abomination". God does not create his children to be "gay". He calls homosexuality a "sin". Sin is a choice made. He would NEVER create us in a way that we could not help/,keep from sinning. He would NEVER gives us genes that MADE us sinful! Don't believe the lie of the devil, don't believe the lies your friends are preaching. To say "we're born that way" is a self justification for homosexuality. Whether it is emotional and carnal or just emotional it is still an unholy alliance in the Eyes of God, whether it is of the heart and mind, or heart, mind and body it is all the same. It is Satan's way of twisting and distorting God's creation by tempting mankind with pleasurable evil. But, we who know God's ways, His Holy Will, are armed against Satan's attacks and are strenghtened by our Saviour to resist evil desires. Pray for your friends who are gay, and all who are gay, pray for your friends who follow false religions, false gods and all who follolw false religions, false gods. Pray for God to forgive them, save them and send Satan far from them. Pray for their lives, hearts, minds, bodies, souls to belong to God. God's Will is for all His children to love Him and Him alone. He is a jealous God. He is a patient God. He is the one, true living God. There is no one else. He is Mighty, Awesome, Eternal. He has WON. HE IS LOVE!!!!
Love,
Your loving Moo!!!XOXOXOXO
==
There is a lot going on in her blocks of text. Remember, I said she was so stubborn in her beliefs a certain amount of respect is needed to be given. However, it boils down into Gays are possessed by Satan to turn away from God and therefor are sinners. Where as people who are knowledgeable of God, are straight as God intended, are loved.
The messages of hate so skillfully tied up in this mess are amazing. I don't dare claim to know the Bible. I've cut every corner when forced to read it. I respect it for its stories and art, much like the gorgeous Kuran and its poetry, but I will never condone the messages to hate someone else because they are different than what is defined in God's Word.
"You are not loving people by accepting their false religions, you are unknowingly perhaps, helping them walk down the wrong path."
...or, you know, not causing wars where hundreds, if not thousands of people are killed just because of a disagreement. I love everyone. I might not get along with a lot of them, or some will honestly freak me out, but hey, they're human. I love them and their uniqueness.
I would hate to live in a world where everyone was the same. Where we were drones to the King Bee and had no rights or thoughts to ourselves. Where would art be if we didn't have free thought and will? Where would technology be? Would we be on the moon, or Mars?! Would we know about maths or what really lays at the bottom of our deepest oceans? My guess would be: no. How could we? Obviously progression and personal beliefs are a sin and God does not want us exploring or Knowing what's out there in the gorgeous Universe he's made.
"He is a jealous God. He is a patient God. He is the one, true living God. There is no one else. He is Mighty, Awesome, Eternal. He has WON. HE IS LOVE!!!!"
So...it's a sin for us to be jealous and covet something of our neighbors...and it's O.K. for God to do it? He's supposed to be infallable I thought?
"God does not create his children to be "gay". He calls homosexuality a "sin". Sin is a choice made. He would NEVER create us in a way that we could not help/,keep from sinning. He would NEVER gives us genes that MADE us sinful! Don't believe the lie of the devil, don't believe the lies your friends are preaching."
I completely agree with the first sentence. There really isn't/shouldn't be "gay" it's just who a person is. God didn't create us to hate, so why the hell would he be teaching us to? This section also touches on something she's argued before: science is evil. I am speaking the truth here, she does not like doctors or science because most of them preach against God. According to her "the lie of the devil" is science.
(Oh, and President Obama is the anti-Christ. She's said these exact words, I'm not being sarcastic or embellishing this. She didn't even know we were at war a couple years ago. Again, a whole other topic for another time.)
==
date Thu, Mar 25, 2010 at 1:19 AM
subject Re: Berfday.
Respecting people is respecting people. It's no one's place to tell another how to live and what to believe in. I have my beliefs, they have theirs and to learn about what they believe in is a gift and what makes us special as human beings. Ignorance and blind faith are the most dangerous and most problem causing issues we face everyday. People die for what they believe in because they won't take the time to just simply listen and accept that no one person is the same. That everyone has their own thoughts. That everyone has a unique way of looking at the world. You can take two individuals and have them read the same exact sentence. Each one will get something different out of it. If they sat down together and discussed their differing opinions, perhaps something new can come of it and no fighting, or violence, or hurt feelings will happen.
Like I said, I believe in Nature not Nurture. It's not what my friends have told me. It's what I have looked into and made my own opinion of. You will never get me to change my opinion about gay people. I respect your stance. I respect your belief in God's love. What I do no respect is forcing your opinion has the One True Way onto others because They don't believe the Exact Same as You do.
I'm willing to say Marriage isn't the best option for them, as it is supposed to be one man and one woman, but there should still be rights and laws allowing a same sex couple to live together and love each other.
We are going to always disagree on this, no matter what you say.
~Bri
==
To which her response was nothing original, no free thought or perhaps trying to understand where I was coming from. I was wrong after all, because her way was the only correct way. Her way that has no room for cooperation on an issue.
Her answer was to quote scripture at me. It took her a whole day to respond so I know she was really thinking about what to send me.
==
date Thu, Mar 25, 2010 at 6:10 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgement and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success. Don't be conceited, sure of your own wisdom. Instead, trust and reverence the Lord, and turn your back on evil; when you do that, then you will be given renewed health and vitality.
Proverbs 3:4-8
Claiming themselves to be wise without God, they became utter fools instead. And then, instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they took wood and stone and made idols for themselves, carving them to look like mere birds and animals and snakes and puny men. So God let them go ahead into every sort of sex sin, and do whatever they wanted to-yes, vile and sinful things with each other's bodies. Instead of believing what they knew was the truth about God, they deliberately chose to believe lies. So they prayed to the things God made, but wouldn't obey the blessed God who made those things. That is why God let go of them and let them do all these evil things, so that even their women turned against God's natural plan for them and indulged in sex sin with each other. And the men, instead of having a normal sex relationship with women, burned with lust for each other, men doing shameful things with other men and, as a result, getting paid within their own souls with the penalty they so richly deserved. So it was that when they gave God up and would not even acknowlege Him, God gave them up to doing everything their evil minds could think of. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness and sin, of greed and hate, envy, murder, fighting, lying, bitterness, and gossip. They were backbiters, haters of God, insolent, proud braggerts, always thinking of new ways of sinning and continually being disobedient to their parents. They tried to misunderstand, broke their promises, and were heartless - without pity. They were fully aware of God's death penalty for these crimes, yet they went right ahead and did them anyway, and encouraged others to do them too.
Romans 1:22-32
Those who live immoral lives, who are idol worshipers, adulterers or homosexuals-will have no share in His kingdom. Neither will theives or greedy people, drunkards, slanderers, or robbers.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
==
I really wish she was more academic minded and gave me references to what Bible she pulled these quotes from. Because, as a friend pointed out to me (learn something new everyday!) the word "Homosexual" wasn't actually created until the mid 19th centuary. There's a Wikipedia article on it for a quick understanding. I'm sure there are better resources to look into it.
But it still begs the question: If that word wasn't invented until basically a thousand or so years after the Books of the Bible were supposedly written...what's the real word(s) used and what do they mean? But oh wait, I'm questiong God's Word. I'm sinning and should just blindly trust it. Right.
The other favorite line my friend pointed out: "...don't ever trust yourself."
I love this one too. Apparently, our free will is getting in the way. I should live in fear and no confidence because I'm making my own decisions. Who knew?
"Those who live immoral lives, who are idol worshipers, adulterers or homosexuals-will have no share in His kingdom. Neither will theives or greedy people, drunkards, slanderers, or robbers."
In this logic, the way I'm reading it: If, one loves someone, then they are immoral. The way the rest of the quote reads, why don't they just come out and say: IF gay, THEN murderer? I mean, clearly according to this, a gay person is the same as someone who breaks into people's houses and steals precious things.
Look out! That gay guy is stealing your children!
I never responded back to her. I was busy collecting things to quote back in the "Oh, you wanna play it this way?" game of emails. My dad called me a day later asking me just to leave it where it was because she wasn't going to email me again about it. I decided I loved my dad too much to keep kicking the hornet's nest and told him I'd dropped it too. She could keep to herself.
I wasn't stupid enough to think it was over with in a couple emails to each other. What I had done was declare open war on her.
She had, as she does, built up in her mind a daughter that was completely Christian in beliefs and would never question God's word. I won't lie and say I didn't help her create this image. I had to do what I needed to survive all this time. So all my life I've told her stories that would please her about going to church, or not reading Harry Potter (oh look! Another full livejournal there) or that all my friends were God fearing people.
Hah. I pulled the wool over that sheep's eyes.
I've been waiting patiently for her next move. The thing is my birthday is on the 18th. I'll be 25. I've mentally hit the point now where I've matured enough to honestly back up my beliefs against hers. I do not care what she thinks. She's not going to control my likes/dislikes anymore. I'm my own person, kthnx.
I knew I would be seeing her then, so when all of this mess started I purposfully got her to keep going so I could lay out my ideas and tell her "we're going to disagree, please understand" which she won't because I've already established why. I'm dreading my birthday, but I have built up a nice defence of "Yes, we've been through it. I told you we're disagreeing and this isn't changing" Hmm... I may need to ask for bail money as a birthday gift this year...
Anyway, where it all stands now, my dad called to warn me she's going to ask me to drive back home for Easter so I can go to Church. Really? She should really know better at this point. I am not going within MILES of home that weekend. I will have a nice stress-free Easter at my own place, doing my own thing. If I went home, things would be said, my poor dad would get caught in the middle of her aneurism inducing yelling and that just doesn't sound like a nice Easter to me. You? Nah, didn't think so either.
I believe that Nature is a fractal. The same processes you find on the smallest scales you'll see repeated in the biggest, largest ones you can imagine. Light and Dark, Good and Evil, Heaven and Hell, it's all a balance and a pattern. You can't have one without the other. You cannot have life without death. Life is a balance. One is all, all is one.
It's the most important lesson I have ever learned.
A person cannot get too much of one thing and live a normal, productive, balanced life. Too much food? You're unhealthy and fat. Too much free time? You're lazy and unproductive. Too much Religion? You're too blindsided and judgemental. Too much love? You're spoiled and ignorant. Too much hate? You're spiteful and sad. Balance. Don't skew too far in one direction, respect everyone you meet, listen to their unique stories (everyone has their own amazing story), and just love being human and just as fucked up as the rest of us.
(Thank you to all my friends, the super awesome online family I have in WoW and their genius comments on how to handle my mom, and John Barrowman, yes really, for keeping me sane. I would not be alive, or free, if it wasn't for you guys. Super love and hugs to you all)
This post also needs a major preface/warning/disclaimer: Under no circumstances am I making fun of, dismissing, or intentionally meaning to offend anyone, from anywhere and their beliefs. Which is what this mess under the cut boils down to with my mother. She's extremely blindsided and ironclad in her beliefs to the point it demands a certain level of respect. I do respect it. I just wish I wasn't related to it so I could carry on with my own existence. In peace.
Also, this was wonderful to deal with during the self-denial-mental-breakdown I had last week, let me tell you. There's nothing like family looking down on you to make you feel better.
Now with anything of this caliber, background information is required.
My mother was raised Episcopalian-Lutheran. I know, don't ask, I have no idea how that happened either. Funny story being, when my father met my mother, she wasn't that religious. She was the typical "Seasonal Christian" i.e. Christmas and Easter were checked off on her attendance record. The stories my dad tells me (wistfully) of her when they met are awesome. She was a party girl, loved to have fun and hang out with people and go to bars/clubs. What happened? Me.
I won't claim to understand what chemistry changes women go through when with the experience of childbirth, but oh my god, some of her wires must have gotten crossed during her carrying of me. I have memories of when I was really young, (really, really, young, like 3-4) of being picked up late at night from my grandparent's house by my parents who had been out to a party or equivalent. I remember getting placed in between them in the front seat as we drove home and my mom being a little more than tipsy/drunk. So, there's evidence from my own experience she liked to party and my dad's stories aren't embellished memories of a time lost.
One of those times I remember being very upset about being woken up and dragged to the car to go home. For a little kid, being pulled out of deep sleep, tucked away in the dark of a car with a person drunkenly LOOMING over you, demanding in slurred questions what was wrong, is about as real as nightmares get. So I started to cry. I was crying because I wanted to be asleep and get away from the scary experience. Apparently, this got through the drunken blanket my mom was wrapped in because after that night she made a vow to never drink again. She hasn't. Ever. She swore off alcohol and would throw outright tantrums to anyone questioning it and trying to offer her a drink. I can clearly claim that was the moment I lost my "mother" and gained an overbearing stranger. She was intolerable after this. At five years old a child should not be contemplating the philosophy of parenting and wondering why their mother was batshit insane.
Fast forward twenty years through so many over the top moments of hers that I could fill five livejournals (but will spare you beloved reader), to where she's at now. It's like two completely different people. Something has happened along her life's journey to totally fuck her mind up. She's nothing like she used to be. She's had a steady timeline of becoming more paranoid about people and becoming religious. From my point of view there are two major events that seem to be linchpins for this.
1) She actually miscarried twins before I was born. Leading to my actual birth and her getting super, over protective of me all my life.
2) Her father. In general, really, but most importantly when he was diagnosed with cancer. He, a very formidable man who was in charge of his house in every sense of the word, was humbled by the news. He was human, could die etc. He immediately grabbed a Bible and became super-strict religious overnight it seemed. It's hard to believe I have memories of going over to visit and watching my mom get into arguments with him over reading scripture out loud. Today, she would be yelling at anyone talking to shut-up and listen. It was the Lord's word and we should be respectful to it.
I can picture it so clearly: he would be sitting on the sun room's couch, small leather bound Bible in his hands just reading it. When he wanted us to hear it, we were required to stop everything we were doing and Listen. She would get tired of it and argue with him to stop. This caused countless fights between the two of them. They both had really bad tempers.
Sadly, the day he died, they had been fighting over something mundane. I can't remember what exactly because I wasn't there at the time but in school. The point is, she left with the words laying on her tongue: "I hate you, Dad." as she slammed her car door and drove away. That afternoon, while he and my grandmother were out shopping, he suffered a heart attack and died at hospital. According to my grandmother, the moments after my mom had driven away in anger, my grandfather looked to her and said: "When she calls later to say she got home, ok, tell her I love her." then went to work in his garage as if no fighting had happened. But, they went shopping instead, and so my mom never got the message.
I was little at the time, still in elementary school, so I wasn't that effected by him dying. I actually barely knew him. A few weeks after he passed we were over at their house. Emotions were still running high, as expected with these things, and my mom was bringing in groceries for my grandmother who hadn't left the house in a week practically. According to my mom, she had a literal "Coming to God moment." She said she as pulling a bag out of the backseat when she heard a noise loud enough to cause her to startle and turn. What she saw was apparently her father being held like a baby in Jesus's arms very vividly and clearly on the front steps of the porch. She went into detail about the vision at the time, about how she heard someone tell her "He was fine and safe and loved now" and I don't doubt this experience for her because it was real enough to leave a mark on her.
From this point in her timeline, there is no turning back on becoming unbearably religious. She picked up her own bible, read it addicted determination, and invited our church's pastor over to the house for personal Bible study. Yeah, Dad wasn't too happy with that last bit. Pastor Ron is an entirely other livejournal to fill on his own, but I never liked him and it had nothing to do with my father being territorial. It was that sixth sense people get about others. Anyway, moving on.
I was trying to time jump twenty years there and got caught up in more explaining! Where can you find my mom today? Guaranteed she's at the house excessively taking care of her now nine cats and living in her own carefully built world. Outside the 2 1/2 acres of land we own, the world doesn't exist for her. Well, that sounds extreme, she goes shopping and eating like normal people, but somehow the rules are different. She believes the world to run the way she has laid the laws out. If anyone, regardless of authority, disagrees with this she has something to say (usually quoting scripture as backup) about it.
She has no tolerance for anyone or anything that challenges her view. She will not listen to another's idea about something, but tell them why they are wrong and she's right. Also, she is a big time hypocrite about things. In high school, because I was a brat, I would get her caught in logic loops for fun. (Circular Reasoning Works Because circular reasoning works because Circular Reason Works Because...)
Which, finally, brings us to the entire reason I started this post. I know. I'm sorry. But feel better in the knowledge that you didn't have to live with her and that I've extremely highlighted what's gotten us to this point. I'm only human, and so are you, and we can only take so much.
My mom has discovered Facebook. Her high school reunion organizer utilized it to get everyone to go. I have my FB page very well secured against people I don't want seeing it. Or so I thought. Apparently, you can have everything on your profile page blocked from searches except for basic info, no biggy, and the Pages you've joined. No biggy either..that is, unless your Jesus Warrior of a mother sees the one page about supporting Gay Rights to Marriage. Oops.
I get a call from my dad last week about normal stuff we babble to each other about. Then, he uncomfortably asks what "that page on your facebook thing, is about" because apparently my mom saw it and is freaking out. My dad, please understand, does not exactly Hate Gays, he doesn't agree with the life style. In a gruff manner. He let's them be as long as they aren't coming after him, lol. He has his path, and as long as no one else messes with it, peace can be had. (God help you if you piss him off though) He's had a typical Southern life, combined with the Navy training, and a career in civil engineering dealing with the lower class kind of people, all sweet and kind in their own ways, but a harsh life to live none-the-less. He's seen it all.
He says she wrote me an email about it a day ago. The email turns out to be a response to my birthday message more than a month ago (also, she used the wrong one. She replied to the email I sent my dad, and not the one I sent to her. I may have loled a bit at this. Oh, did I mention she uses his email? She refuses to get her own, but totally took over his account). Here starts the documenting of what happened:
==
date Tue, Mar 23, 2010 at 10:40 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
Hey Bee! Thanks for the Birthday mail (I know...a little late...:O !!!) I also have a question...What's the deal with the fifth page on your Facebook???
Love ya,
Moo xo
==
After trial and error of trying to figure out what the fifth page of my facebook means, and my dad unhelpfully muttering something about "gays" I figured out what she saw. I was really confused, and panicked, because I thought she had somehow gotten into my FB. No. It was those damn Pages. I joined a group called "1,000,000 Strong for Gay Marriage!!" in which I believe in and it showed up for her to see.
So, after having a heartfelt convo with my dad, him telling me he could care less what those people did or I did (relatively as parents only can), I had orders to email her back.
See, I really could care less what she has to say. It's going to be the same stuff over and over. If she hadn't been causing my dad grief I would have ignored her completely and let her stew in her safety-bubble fantasy of a life at home and let me be blissfully not stressed the fuck out over her, her... her unpossibleness,
But.
My father is basically a hostage against me. I didn't want to take the chance she would know he "warned me" about her newest crusade so I replied:
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 5:57 PM
subject Re: Berfday.
Lol, just a bit yeah?
Fifth page? What does that mean? The pages aren't numbered.
~Bee
==
I've had to play the manipulation game all my life with her. It's warped my psychie to constantly want to be tested like this...I dunno. I'm human and fucked up too. ;]
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 9:56 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
Hey Bee! I was referring to fifth listing on your personal pages section in Facebook. It broke my heart to see it there. I need to know why it is there relating to you (your Facebook ). I just hope it is some sort of mistake.
Love you,
Moo :)<3
==
She's also found the emoticon buttons in gmail. God help me.
She "needs to know why" something is on "my facebook" is just a hint at this mess. I am totally fine with people questioning me about things, but wording it with a need, just rankles me. This has nothing to do with me personally, understand. She's drawing an issue because She is upset from it. It has to be a "mistake" because Her daughter wouldn't have a differing opinion to hers. It also annoyed me that she still wouldn't just SAY the topic she wants to know about.
We're both playing the manipulation game here. We're also both stubborn. The good news here is: I am patient and level headed, She is short tempored and doesn't think clearly.
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 10:05 PM
subject Re: Berfday.
I'm assuming you're looking at the Pro Same-sex marriage page because that's the only thing I can see you would object to. It's not a mistake. I believe in it. If people are happy together, then that is their choice and not someone else's. Gay people are not evil. They're human and deserve the same love and respect as the next person. I have many gay friends and I will always stand by them and not be swayed from that stance. I'm open minded and respect everyone's point of views, including religion and cultures, in life.
Not to mention, gay guys are usually the best looking ;) and I am still very much interested in hot, gorgeous men.
~Bee
==
I added that last line more for my dad than anything. It's absolutely true, but he wanted me to reassure my mom I'm not into chicks so she wouldn't start causing a shit storm about that too.
Women are just as gorgeous, mind, but letting my mom know at this point I wouldn't have a problem being with the same gender, would not be condusive to this conversation. Adding more oil to the fire as it were.
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 11:14 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
That IS what I'm objecting to. I'm terribly sorry/sad to hear you believe in this. Gay people are God's children just as we are. You should love the person, just as you do. Just as God does. You are to hate the sin (it is an abomination to God) just as God does. God created Marriage to be between one man and one women. It is a Holy Estate to be a blessing for man and woman - NOT - an abhorrent, sinful, abomination between people of the same sex. What God wants, has established-Satan does not want, wants to destroy because he hates our Lord. Gay people may not see this as sin/wrong because it is what they truly enjoy - it is an Earthly pleasure just as excessive drinking, drugs, fornication and other "foul play" are which are (plain and simple) SIN. It is not God's way. He is patient with us because He loves us. He knows and gives man a time to turn from their sin. Love the Lord with all you are - in your heart, in your mind in the way you live. Love your friends who are gay, who may be drunks or druggies, promiscuous, etc. -BUT- don't fall into the traps they're in- instead pray for them, pray for God to pull them out of those pits into which, through evil desires which they may deny as evil, have fallen and to bring them into his precious HOLY LIGHT and to help them live according to HIS will which is true happiness, fulfillment and peace. Pray this by first thanking Him and praising Him and then ending in His Son's precious name, JESUS - who died for all of us and will love all of us ALWAYS and FOREVER. You know what's right in your heart, don't let this "stain" of the devil be attached to you in Facebook or any other way. Shine and Sparkle!!with the Lord's bright light!!! Don't let Satan tarnish your life. Be God's beacon! Not Satan's dying ember. God loves you and me!! You know how you were raised, Honor God with your life. He will give great Happiness and Joy! I love you, and God loves you more than I can. :) [sun][lightbulb]<3
Love,
Moo xoxoxoxo
==
Let me highlight: "Gay people may not see this as sin/wrong because it is what they truly enjoy - it is an Earthly pleasure just as excessive drinking, drugs, fornication and other "foul play" are which are (plain and simple) SIN."
I noticed how she's completely ignoring relationships in this. She is condensing "being Gay" into "having sex all the time" and they are not the same thing.
Also: "Love your friends who are gay, who may be drunks or druggies, promiscuous, etc. -BUT- don't fall into the traps they're in- instead pray for them, pray for God to pull them out of those pits into which, through evil desires which they may deny as evil, have fallen and to bring them into his precious HOLY LIGHT and to help them live according to HIS will which is true happiness, fulfillment and peace."
Sounds like a strong message of "we're too incompetant to think for ourselves, so let someone else do it for us. Ignorance is true bliss" yatta, yatta. So love the people, but not the gay. Hmm, kinda hard when being gay is just a part of a person as their leg, arm, blood, hair, etc...
Funny Story: I was in the middle of tanking a raid in WoW while this clusterfuck of mom drama was occuring. I got to the "HOLY LIGHT" part and couldn't stop laughing. Why? I'm a Paladin tank.
==
date Wed, Mar 24, 2010 at 11:28 PM
subject Re: Berfday.
I respect all that. I also respectfully disagree. There is nothing wrong with being gay. That's my opinion, and it's not changing. Gay people are not gay by choice, they're born that way. It's Nature not Nurture. That's who they are and there's no changing it. Anyone who says they "decided" to be gay are still struggling with the social pressure and hatred people send their way.
Anyone should be able to love, as in emotion not carnal, whom they want. Gay people just don't exist to have sex. They love and care for a person who just happens to be the same sex. There's nothing wrong with it.
I'm also sorry if you're upset about this, but you're you, I'm me and we'll probably always disagree on this.
~Bri
==
Ok, so perhaps I was channeling Tony Stark a bit there in the beginning. Doesn't make it less true.
I wanted to point, bluntly to her, that gay people are human, they love people for people and it's not just a physical attraction. It drives me insane people look at a gay person and automatically assume they're going to jump the closest same gender partner and have crazy wild monkey sex.
I realize now I use the word "opinion" on her a lot. This argument is, at its base, two beliefs butting heads. I believe gay people are normal. She believes in religion's opinion they're doomed to hell for being evil. There's no grey area for her. It's Yes or No.
It's also a small thing, but to me it seemed important at the time: Up to this point I had been signing the emails with the cute, family name "Bee" but she wasn't stopping, and I didn't want to be taken to look like a kid in this debate. So I signed it with my name and not a nickname. I'm being serious about this issue, not rebelling against a parent. Small victory only to me perhaps, but hey...in this you gotta take 'em where you can get them.
==
date Thu, Mar 25, 2010 at 12:55 AM
subject RE: Berfday.
God (the One, True, Living God - there is NO Other. The One, True, Living God- Father, Son and Holy Spirit- The Triune God - all other "gods" are false and the lie of Satan. False gods are dreamed up by puny man listening to the lies of the devil to feed their self-serving, pleasure loving sinful needs. They are attaching themselves, devoting themselves knowingly or unknowingly to a mighty, evil spirit being(the Bible shows us) who has great power but- has already been destroyed. Satan knows he's been destroyed, he knows his fate. He knows he's going to be thrown into the Lake Of Fire but will never stop trying to destroy God's children with his deceit, lies, hatred. The Bible tells us that "man cannot serve two masters..." Serve The Lord by rejecting, condeming false religions do not see them as acceptable for ANYONE. You are not loving people by accepting their false religions, you are unknowingly perhaps, helping them walk down the wrong path. Any path that leads away from our Precious Saviour Who gave all for us, is the Wrong, Sinful path. The Bible tells us "the light cannot live with the dark" Live in the light! Stay in the light! With God's help and strength call those in the dark to the light,
God has made plenty of room there!!!and He (waits with open arms, perfect love!) calls us to live Holy lives. He loved us enough to give us free will. He calls homosexuality "an abomination". God does not create his children to be "gay". He calls homosexuality a "sin". Sin is a choice made. He would NEVER create us in a way that we could not help/,keep from sinning. He would NEVER gives us genes that MADE us sinful! Don't believe the lie of the devil, don't believe the lies your friends are preaching. To say "we're born that way" is a self justification for homosexuality. Whether it is emotional and carnal or just emotional it is still an unholy alliance in the Eyes of God, whether it is of the heart and mind, or heart, mind and body it is all the same. It is Satan's way of twisting and distorting God's creation by tempting mankind with pleasurable evil. But, we who know God's ways, His Holy Will, are armed against Satan's attacks and are strenghtened by our Saviour to resist evil desires. Pray for your friends who are gay, and all who are gay, pray for your friends who follow false religions, false gods and all who follolw false religions, false gods. Pray for God to forgive them, save them and send Satan far from them. Pray for their lives, hearts, minds, bodies, souls to belong to God. God's Will is for all His children to love Him and Him alone. He is a jealous God. He is a patient God. He is the one, true living God. There is no one else. He is Mighty, Awesome, Eternal. He has WON. HE IS LOVE!!!!
Love,
Your loving Moo!!!XOXOXOXO
==
There is a lot going on in her blocks of text. Remember, I said she was so stubborn in her beliefs a certain amount of respect is needed to be given. However, it boils down into Gays are possessed by Satan to turn away from God and therefor are sinners. Where as people who are knowledgeable of God, are straight as God intended, are loved.
The messages of hate so skillfully tied up in this mess are amazing. I don't dare claim to know the Bible. I've cut every corner when forced to read it. I respect it for its stories and art, much like the gorgeous Kuran and its poetry, but I will never condone the messages to hate someone else because they are different than what is defined in God's Word.
"You are not loving people by accepting their false religions, you are unknowingly perhaps, helping them walk down the wrong path."
...or, you know, not causing wars where hundreds, if not thousands of people are killed just because of a disagreement. I love everyone. I might not get along with a lot of them, or some will honestly freak me out, but hey, they're human. I love them and their uniqueness.
I would hate to live in a world where everyone was the same. Where we were drones to the King Bee and had no rights or thoughts to ourselves. Where would art be if we didn't have free thought and will? Where would technology be? Would we be on the moon, or Mars?! Would we know about maths or what really lays at the bottom of our deepest oceans? My guess would be: no. How could we? Obviously progression and personal beliefs are a sin and God does not want us exploring or Knowing what's out there in the gorgeous Universe he's made.
"He is a jealous God. He is a patient God. He is the one, true living God. There is no one else. He is Mighty, Awesome, Eternal. He has WON. HE IS LOVE!!!!"
So...it's a sin for us to be jealous and covet something of our neighbors...and it's O.K. for God to do it? He's supposed to be infallable I thought?
"God does not create his children to be "gay". He calls homosexuality a "sin". Sin is a choice made. He would NEVER create us in a way that we could not help/,keep from sinning. He would NEVER gives us genes that MADE us sinful! Don't believe the lie of the devil, don't believe the lies your friends are preaching."
I completely agree with the first sentence. There really isn't/shouldn't be "gay" it's just who a person is. God didn't create us to hate, so why the hell would he be teaching us to? This section also touches on something she's argued before: science is evil. I am speaking the truth here, she does not like doctors or science because most of them preach against God. According to her "the lie of the devil" is science.
(Oh, and President Obama is the anti-Christ. She's said these exact words, I'm not being sarcastic or embellishing this. She didn't even know we were at war a couple years ago. Again, a whole other topic for another time.)
==
date Thu, Mar 25, 2010 at 1:19 AM
subject Re: Berfday.
Respecting people is respecting people. It's no one's place to tell another how to live and what to believe in. I have my beliefs, they have theirs and to learn about what they believe in is a gift and what makes us special as human beings. Ignorance and blind faith are the most dangerous and most problem causing issues we face everyday. People die for what they believe in because they won't take the time to just simply listen and accept that no one person is the same. That everyone has their own thoughts. That everyone has a unique way of looking at the world. You can take two individuals and have them read the same exact sentence. Each one will get something different out of it. If they sat down together and discussed their differing opinions, perhaps something new can come of it and no fighting, or violence, or hurt feelings will happen.
Like I said, I believe in Nature not Nurture. It's not what my friends have told me. It's what I have looked into and made my own opinion of. You will never get me to change my opinion about gay people. I respect your stance. I respect your belief in God's love. What I do no respect is forcing your opinion has the One True Way onto others because They don't believe the Exact Same as You do.
I'm willing to say Marriage isn't the best option for them, as it is supposed to be one man and one woman, but there should still be rights and laws allowing a same sex couple to live together and love each other.
We are going to always disagree on this, no matter what you say.
~Bri
==
To which her response was nothing original, no free thought or perhaps trying to understand where I was coming from. I was wrong after all, because her way was the only correct way. Her way that has no room for cooperation on an issue.
Her answer was to quote scripture at me. It took her a whole day to respond so I know she was really thinking about what to send me.
==
date Thu, Mar 25, 2010 at 6:10 PM
subject RE: Berfday.
If you want favor with both God and man, and a reputation for good judgement and common sense, then trust the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success. Don't be conceited, sure of your own wisdom. Instead, trust and reverence the Lord, and turn your back on evil; when you do that, then you will be given renewed health and vitality.
Proverbs 3:4-8
Claiming themselves to be wise without God, they became utter fools instead. And then, instead of worshiping the glorious, ever-living God, they took wood and stone and made idols for themselves, carving them to look like mere birds and animals and snakes and puny men. So God let them go ahead into every sort of sex sin, and do whatever they wanted to-yes, vile and sinful things with each other's bodies. Instead of believing what they knew was the truth about God, they deliberately chose to believe lies. So they prayed to the things God made, but wouldn't obey the blessed God who made those things. That is why God let go of them and let them do all these evil things, so that even their women turned against God's natural plan for them and indulged in sex sin with each other. And the men, instead of having a normal sex relationship with women, burned with lust for each other, men doing shameful things with other men and, as a result, getting paid within their own souls with the penalty they so richly deserved. So it was that when they gave God up and would not even acknowlege Him, God gave them up to doing everything their evil minds could think of. Their lives became full of every kind of wickedness and sin, of greed and hate, envy, murder, fighting, lying, bitterness, and gossip. They were backbiters, haters of God, insolent, proud braggerts, always thinking of new ways of sinning and continually being disobedient to their parents. They tried to misunderstand, broke their promises, and were heartless - without pity. They were fully aware of God's death penalty for these crimes, yet they went right ahead and did them anyway, and encouraged others to do them too.
Romans 1:22-32
Those who live immoral lives, who are idol worshipers, adulterers or homosexuals-will have no share in His kingdom. Neither will theives or greedy people, drunkards, slanderers, or robbers.
1 Corinthians 6:9-10
==
I really wish she was more academic minded and gave me references to what Bible she pulled these quotes from. Because, as a friend pointed out to me (learn something new everyday!) the word "Homosexual" wasn't actually created until the mid 19th centuary. There's a Wikipedia article on it for a quick understanding. I'm sure there are better resources to look into it.
But it still begs the question: If that word wasn't invented until basically a thousand or so years after the Books of the Bible were supposedly written...what's the real word(s) used and what do they mean? But oh wait, I'm questiong God's Word. I'm sinning and should just blindly trust it. Right.
The other favorite line my friend pointed out: "...don't ever trust yourself."
I love this one too. Apparently, our free will is getting in the way. I should live in fear and no confidence because I'm making my own decisions. Who knew?
"Those who live immoral lives, who are idol worshipers, adulterers or homosexuals-will have no share in His kingdom. Neither will theives or greedy people, drunkards, slanderers, or robbers."
In this logic, the way I'm reading it: If, one loves someone, then they are immoral. The way the rest of the quote reads, why don't they just come out and say: IF gay, THEN murderer? I mean, clearly according to this, a gay person is the same as someone who breaks into people's houses and steals precious things.
Look out! That gay guy is stealing your children!
I never responded back to her. I was busy collecting things to quote back in the "Oh, you wanna play it this way?" game of emails. My dad called me a day later asking me just to leave it where it was because she wasn't going to email me again about it. I decided I loved my dad too much to keep kicking the hornet's nest and told him I'd dropped it too. She could keep to herself.
I wasn't stupid enough to think it was over with in a couple emails to each other. What I had done was declare open war on her.
She had, as she does, built up in her mind a daughter that was completely Christian in beliefs and would never question God's word. I won't lie and say I didn't help her create this image. I had to do what I needed to survive all this time. So all my life I've told her stories that would please her about going to church, or not reading Harry Potter (oh look! Another full livejournal there) or that all my friends were God fearing people.
Hah. I pulled the wool over that sheep's eyes.
I've been waiting patiently for her next move. The thing is my birthday is on the 18th. I'll be 25. I've mentally hit the point now where I've matured enough to honestly back up my beliefs against hers. I do not care what she thinks. She's not going to control my likes/dislikes anymore. I'm my own person, kthnx.
I knew I would be seeing her then, so when all of this mess started I purposfully got her to keep going so I could lay out my ideas and tell her "we're going to disagree, please understand" which she won't because I've already established why. I'm dreading my birthday, but I have built up a nice defence of "Yes, we've been through it. I told you we're disagreeing and this isn't changing" Hmm... I may need to ask for bail money as a birthday gift this year...
Anyway, where it all stands now, my dad called to warn me she's going to ask me to drive back home for Easter so I can go to Church. Really? She should really know better at this point. I am not going within MILES of home that weekend. I will have a nice stress-free Easter at my own place, doing my own thing. If I went home, things would be said, my poor dad would get caught in the middle of her aneurism inducing yelling and that just doesn't sound like a nice Easter to me. You? Nah, didn't think so either.
I believe that Nature is a fractal. The same processes you find on the smallest scales you'll see repeated in the biggest, largest ones you can imagine. Light and Dark, Good and Evil, Heaven and Hell, it's all a balance and a pattern. You can't have one without the other. You cannot have life without death. Life is a balance. One is all, all is one.
It's the most important lesson I have ever learned.
A person cannot get too much of one thing and live a normal, productive, balanced life. Too much food? You're unhealthy and fat. Too much free time? You're lazy and unproductive. Too much Religion? You're too blindsided and judgemental. Too much love? You're spoiled and ignorant. Too much hate? You're spiteful and sad. Balance. Don't skew too far in one direction, respect everyone you meet, listen to their unique stories (everyone has their own amazing story), and just love being human and just as fucked up as the rest of us.
(Thank you to all my friends, the super awesome online family I have in WoW and their genius comments on how to handle my mom, and John Barrowman, yes really, for keeping me sane. I would not be alive, or free, if it wasn't for you guys. Super love and hugs to you all)
